The Scary Thought of Fear

Everyone has experienced fear in some way, but the way in which we experience fear is unique to each person. My fears might be trivial compared to your fears. That doesn't mean, however, that what I fear doesn't matter. Fear can be a good thing and a bad thing. Now, I know what you're thinking, "How can fear possibly be a good thing?" I think it can be a good thing to tell people about your fears so they can help you get over the fears. It can be hard for some people to say out loud what they fear. I think the first step in overcoming a fear is admitting you have that fear.

Here are some things that I fear:

1. Losing people I care about
I fear losing people that I love and care about. I have lost some loved ones in my life and it is not an easy thing to go through, however, the reality of this is that it's a part of life and it is inevitable. We can't stay here on this earth forever. This is not our home!

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2. The unknown of the future
I fear the unknown of the future. I have mentioned this fear in a previous post but I don't like that I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know what my life is going to be like a year from now (or even a month from now) and that kind of scares me. In my post, I Don't Know What I'm Doing!, I talked about how I am giving this fear to God and letting him be in control of my future.

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3. Ending up alone 
I fear ending up alone. I really shouldn't have this fear yet because I am only 18 years old and I have my whole life ahead of me. I have no reason to fear this but it is just a scary thought in the back of my head. I like to be alone sometimes but I don't want to live my elderly years alone. I believe that no one should have to grow old alone and I certainly don't want to.

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All of these fears have something in common with each other: I can't control the outcome. I can't control how long people stay on earth, the future, or if I will end up alone or not. That is a little scary but I know that God is in control and fear is not. We can't let fear be the thing that controls our life. I also know that He won't put me through anything that I won't be able to deal with.

While it's a good thing to know what you fear and communicate it to others, I think we shouldn't dwell on what we are afraid of. We can't let Satan take over and possibly ruin our lives because we fear something. You can't let fear cause you to give up on something. If I think one of my fears is causing too much stress and anxiety in my life, I give that worry to God and I pray that He will take care of my worries,

What are your fears?

Much Love,

Angela Paige

A Letter to My Younger Self

Dear my younger self,

Your whole time in high school is going to be one heck of a roller coaster ride. You will have some extreme highs and some extreme lows. Things change, people change and plans change, so don't focus too much on how you expect things to be. Don't expect too much from people because they might let you down.

You're going to experience heartbreak. It will feel like it's going to be the end of the world. But here's the good news, you WILL get over him! He will soon be out of your life and you will have no way of contacting him whatsoever, which is a good thing. Believe me! That jerk is not worth your time or your tears. You can't control other people's feelings and ambitions. So don't worry about him.

Take life one day at a time. You will feel overwhelmed when thinking about what to major in and where to go to college. Spoiler alert: you end up going to a great school and meeting some great people. However, you will still be unsure about what you want your career to be, so quit worrying about it because you don't have to worry just yet.

The summer before you go off to college you will experience the most amazing mission trip to Jamaica. You will learn a lot about yourself and definitely grow spiritually. You will be nervous at first because you won't have any family with you, and you will be challenged physically, emotionally and spiritually. You will do things- like chop bamboo with a machete- that you would have never thought you would do. It will be quite the journey for you, so get ready for it!

You will lose a dear friend who is now with the Lord. You will question why God did this to her because she was the definition of good. When she is in the hospital, you will tell your mom that you would still be her friend no matter the outcome. You will grieve very much from her death. And the truth is, I don't think you will ever get over this struggle, but you will be okay. You and Mrs. Dally will visit her every year on her birthday and bring along a bouquet of flowers.

The friends that you make freshman year are different than the ones you have now. You will realize who your true friends are by the time you are starting college. Some people you become friends with won't be good influences for you. Stay away from them. There will be better friends in the future.

You will face all sorts of troubles, but the good thing is that God IS present in your life. God is on your side. There might be times where that's hard to believe but BELIEVE ME! He has an amazing plan for you. When your life gets hard, just know that it WILL get better.

Much Love,

Angela Paige

I Am So Vulnerable

I admit it, sometimes I am so set in my own ways that I overlook what God is telling me to do. That NEEDS to change. I need to make God my first priority, to make more time to talk to Him everyday. I am going to start now!

I went to the Quiet Place in the Biblical Studies Building a week ago. This is a place where you can come to do homework, study or to pray and seek God. Each room has a journal or two where you can write down prayers. I don't really know my reason for coming in here but as soon as I started reading some of the prayers, I realized I, too, was having some of the same struggles as my classmates.

Tears formed in my eyes and I had no idea why. I felt so overwhelmed with His LOVE. I am so vulnerable. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. I get emotional when worshiping and I feel the Holy Spirit every time. However, I have some confessions to make.

Dear God,

I cannot remember the last time I just sat down and talked to you. In my busy life at college, I have not put You first and that is NOT okay. I want to change that. I think the reason that I feel overwhelmed with school is because I don't spend enough time with You, God. Afterall, this is not my home.

In chapel a few days ago, the lead singer talked about how You spoke through him. The speaker spoke about how there are people in the audience that are wanting more alone time with God. I thought this was amazing how You, God, spoke through him to me and probably other people in the audience as well.

I don't know what I want to do with my life but I know that you brought me here for a specific reason. You have a plan for me. If You reveal to me Your plan, I will follow. I need to take my faith and You more seriously.

I need your guidance Lord.

Much Love,

Angela Paige

Worship Is POWERFUL

Sometimes I hear people say that God called them to do something or go somewhere. I don't feel like I often get that feeling. In my management class, we talked about Locus of Control which is a person's desire to grow and learn. There are two types of this: 1. External- A person thinks their behavior is guided by fate, luck or in this case God. 2. Internal-A person thinks their behavior is guided by their own personal efforts.

I lean more towards the Internal Locus of Control, therefore, when I make decisions it is sometimes hard for me to see that it is actually God's plan for me because I think that I got myself somewhere. God works in my life and deep down I know that, but sometimes it is hard for me to see that THAT is God doing something great in my life.

You're probably wondering where it is that I DO see God. Well, it's funny you should ask that because that is the point I was trying to get at. I see God when I worship, wherever I am, from my bedroom all the way to Jamaica! (I took a mission trip there.) I don't know how common this is but there is something so special and powerful when worshiping the Lord.

I feel Him physically, spiritually and emotionally. I get chills and visible goose bumps that run throughout my body and I KNOW that that is the Holy Spirit filling me. When I am singing I feel his presence and it is like no other feeling in the world. I also get tears in my eyes or a lump in my throat sometimes, even when I am not sad. I think that I get the sad feeling not because I'm hurting, but because I will never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross. But also because God's love is so great and unending.

I went on a mission trip to Jamaica this past summer and it was the most amazing experience! Even though the Jamaicans worshiped differently than I do, I still felt the same feeling as when I worship in America. It is amazing to me that we all worship the SAME God and He is unchanging. Worship is powerful. God is powerful.

I don't know if any of that made sense but I hope that you can understand what I am saying. God is amazing and I feel him speak to me through music and worship. That is how I know God.

Much Love,

Angela Paige

I Don't Know What I'm Doing!

Yes I am at a four year university, and I am majoring in Management, but when people ask me what I want to do with my degree I freeze up and don't know how to answer so I just tell them, "I don't know yet." But the thing is, I want to know what my passion is, and I want to know what my job is going to be after I graduate. As a kid I tried many sports and musical instruments but I never stuck with one of them. That's how I am with choosing a career.

I guess you could say that I am somewhat jealous of the people who have their life planned out during their first year in college. I have thought of a lot of things I could do from making my own business all the way to being an American Sign Language Interpreter. I know I can't see myself doing a boring Average Joe job. I want to make a difference in at least one person's life while pursuing my career.

The reason why I haven't stuck to one idea of a career is because I haven't found one that will be so enjoyable that it's like I never have to work a day in my life. I haven't found my passion yet. Many people choose the job they want to do because of the high salary, but I just want to be happy in what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong! I love it here, but college is like a whole different stage in life. You are kind of an adult and kind of still a kid. You don't have a real world job, and you live in a dorm on campus. I don't really like this in-between type of stage. I always think about how I just can't wait til I have my life together, and I am finally living on my own and supporting myself. I, however, don't want to rush the time I do have in college because it is supposed to be the time of your life, right?

Sometimes I think to myself, "What am I doing here? Why am I going to this expensive school when I don't know what I want to do once I graduate?" These are probably not good thoughts to have, but I have an external locus of control outlook on this topic (which means I am relying on faith). I believe that God is going to bring me to whatever profession I am meant to be in. A wise bird once whispered in my ear and told me that I shouldn't worry about this but telling me not to worry is like telling me not to breathe. I am going to take that bird's advice and not worry about it as much.

All I am trying to say is that it scares me that I don't know what my life has to offer. I don't like the unknown, but what I do know is that God has my back, and He will lead me through any struggles that may come my way.

A New Me!

So I have spent some time thinking about what I want to change or accomplish in the year 2015. I made a list of ten things and showed them to my mom and she asked me which was most important to me. I couldn't pick just one because they are all important to me but for different reasons, therefore these are not in order of importance. Here is my list:  

1. Try to stay off social media. 

Most teenagers, like myself, tend to be glued to their phones looking at what other people are up to. I however, want to be different. I want to be present when I am spending time with people and give them all my attention. When I say I want to be off of social media I don't mean I never want to go on Instagram or Facebook ever again. I just mean I want to be present with the people I am around. 

2. Be healthier. 

This goal is probably the most common goal for the new year but to me that doesn't really matter. I believe that if you eat good then you feel good. I also made this goal because when I do eat bad or spend a day doing nothing instead of exercising, I instantly regret it. With all that said, I think it is important to be healthy but I also think you shouldn't be tortured by it and give yourself a treat every once in a while. 

3. Read more. 

I think that the more you read the more knowledge you gain. At home I have a whole shelf of books that have been sitting there since I was probably in intermediate school. (I am in college now.) That's a long time. With that said, I am making it a goal to finish those books by the end of this year. 

4. Write more. 

A few months ago I had a very small thought in my mind that I wanted to start a blog. A number of people I know personally have blogs and I read them and feel so inspired by their knowledge and writing skills. I think it is important to try new things so I made the decision to start a blog and post things about life or whatever I feel like writing about. 

5. Meet new people. 

I want to meet new people this year because I think it is important to build new relationships with people and learn about their story and become a part of it. I am not the best at this because I get attached to the friends I already have but I think now is the time to put myself out there and meet new people. 

6. No soda or caffeine. 

This might sound crazy to some people because many people depend on a caffeine fix in the morning to wake up. In August 2014 I made the choice not to drink soda or caffeine for health reasons. Now I think I am also going to stay away from it because I don't want to crave it. I want to be able to live without it and feel awake just because I got enough sleep the night before. 

7. Save money. 

This is a hard one for me because I absolutely love to shop. I want to save money because living on its own is expensive especially when you attend a private college. My youth minister talked to my youth group about living in a minimalist way and I quickly realized that I struggle with that. This year I am going to try to start living that way by spending less money on THINGS. 

8. Sing more. 

I am in NO way the best singer but recently I discovered, thanks to a friend of mine, that I really love music and I love to sing my heart out. I made this a goal of mine because it is something that makes me happy and I want to live the happiest life possible. 

9. Focus on school. 

Sometimes school can be hard and so I will do things other than schoolwork (like go on social media). Now that I am in college and spending money on it, it is important that I do my best to get my money's worth to prepare me for the future. 

10. Be with and take care of family. 

Family is always going to be important to me no matter what. This summer my mom is going to have surgery so it is going to be my job to take care of her during the recovery process. She has done so much for me and I have to repay her in some way. Furthermore, being away at college means I get less time with family so it is important for me to make the most out of the time I do have with them.

Some of you might be thinking "Wow that is a lot of things you want to change!" The way I look at it is even if I don't accomplish everything on this list, I at least I know that I worked hard and did my best. That's all I can do.  

Much love, 

Angela Paige